G: Hey Yuri, so glad you called.
We needed to find 1/2 an hour to catch up and it would have been silly
not to – especially when you were in the neighbourhood and we've
been meaning to hook up for the last 3 months!
Y: Yes Gav, I agree, thank you for finding some time for me in your busy working schedule! we've been postponing it for too long… probably my fault, it is just so hard to find time for everyone and everything these days, isn't it? I just feel like my list of social commitments clashes continuously with my list of professional and personal commitments. Just back from hols but I already feel that tension in my body that accompanies me everyday in London.
G: I really empathise with what you feel, I find social interaction, as a subject matter really absorbing. Making time for social responsibilities nowadays is one of my biggest headaches you know… crazy
Y: I know what you mean! I don't want to “fail” (or disappoint) anyone but I just feel either guilty if I don't attend a social gathering or I feel resentful if I go and I know I got another 100 things I should be doing at the same time.. Though maybe, if I was doing one of those 100 things, I'd also feel guilty for not attending this event…
G: I think the thing to remember is that we can say NO to a social event. It's learning to say no and knowing that that's OK - that's the trick. I wish it were that easy though. There are countless times when I really would like to have been out with friends but had to decline, for whatever reason, and the decision to decline has been really hard and then you feel bad for not being there. It's like being guilty of not supporting your mates and missing the sale of the century.
Y: I agree with you Gav, saying NO is a good skill that we should all have. But, how hard is when you have to choose between your friends, your family or you? Like… I know I owe them so I want to give back what I receive, but is that how it should go?
I mean.. like when you know your parents are in trouble, or a brother or a sister.. and you know they'd be counting on you, just at the same time you reaaaaaally have a thousand things on your plate to be dealing with. And like you, training for your half marathon, you need that time everyday for yourself otherwise you won't make it but, how do you make everyone understand that? Or how do you make yourself understand that and force yourself to say NO?
G: It's tough sometimes but ultimately I guess you have to do what you have to do. Maybe you can live your life just for other people but I can't. I have to be me and that's it. I realised long ago that I'm no Mother Teresa. (Just as well coz I really look terrible in a Habit)
Regarding family, as I've got older I've begun to appreciate them more so I do make time, especially for my sister's kids. I think your family has to come first and I think friends understand that. It's when your friends are your family too that it becomes tricky!
I want to run almost everyday at the moment but birthday dinners, work drinks, catch ups, football, boys nights, DIY and family just seem to get in the way. What do you do? It seems like I'd have to cut myself off from the outside world to make the time to achieve my goal and turn down all invitations.
Y: One thing I've learnt to accept as a friend though is to allow people to change their mind. Cause.. we all accept invitations and then when the day comes, oh God, why did I say yes? – so I keep telling my friends it is ok if they suddenly feel lazy.. cause if you cannot be honest with friends, with who can you?
G: Well that what friends are for surely? Who else can you make an arrangement with and then an hour later blow them out?
I put a lot of stuff down to big city pressures, sleeping policemen and winning 2 World Wars – seriously I reckon you can trace it back to the Romans.
I'm just too tired to party because I've been busy partying over here and stuffing my face and it's way too far to travel anywhere this late apart from bed and I haven't even got time for that coz I've got be up early to schlap over there to do something else before work starts. I guess we deal with it though in our own ways. I'm late to most things by an average of about 16 minutes (I think that's quite accurate)
Y: Maybe “Time Management” should be something we learn in school to deal with our life… like, prioritising: you friends, events, what's really important and which are your goals. That way, maybe it'd be easier to make decisions… Take your life as a job – not in a strict way.. but it could perhaps take some stress out of your days…
G: Yes I agree, fabulous! A Time and Stress Management degree, sign me up and I'll write my thesis on “how to deal with being invited out when you really just wanted to stay home and clean the fridge”.
No, seriously, it's always nice to be invited out, and I guess it can even be an ego boost, but sometimes you're compromised when you feel obliged to go out and you feel you have to say yes instead of a big fat NO.
One little thing I've found that can be frustrating is when using the 'partner excuse' .
-“I Can't come out coz I promised my partner that we'd make Jam tonight”- Ok I've not used that exact reason but you get what I mean. I find that your single mates do think you're having them over and that you've lost your soul to the devil.
Y: As a foreigner living out of my country all my friends are “new” friends, it seems like I really need to make the effort to establish strong roots. If I don't make the effort to develop all these new relationships, they won't last… It's not like when you see an old friend you've known for years…you know that you can see each other after months and it'll all be as if you've seen each other yesterday. But, with new friends is a whole new process. And as you get older, you need to realize when is worth it and make the effort. And is exciting in a way, getting to know new people, how they think, who they are… so I have no problem, but it is so hard to develop a real good friendship as you get older unless you invest a lot of time – which brings us to the same point: where do we find that time?
G: I totally agree and Its all about the time… I did get to a stage in my life when I thought I couldn't possibly have any more friends, way too many birthday drinks every month. I actually found it quite difficult to go through the process of meeting new people and welcoming them into my world, when I was quite happy with all the friends I had. Lazy but true. But try as I might to stop making friends the ones that want to be friends with you invariably become friends because they get to know the kind of person you are, they accept your character traits and of course there's always shared circumstances or common ground that opens the friendship door further. This is of course what it's all about and we all share the rewards.
Doesn't mean you stay friends though. I've definitely lost touch with friends I've been very close with over the years for many different reasons. But people evolve and change and this is natural in our society.
Y: I was told once, if you want to live in Society (i.e., not be a hermit), then you need to accept the “Rules”
G: What are the rules? Who taught them to you? Who decided them Yuri?
Y: I don't know Gav, they are like the “hidden” rules… the things you know you must do to “fit in” – like having good table manners.. who decided that putting your elbows on the table is rude? The same way, someone decided that if you want to maintain your friendships, there are certain ways to conduct yourself.. don't you think?
G: Yeah, it's the law of the playground, share your toys or be lynched by angry kids… but maybe we're all just too self conscious and need to chill out?
Friends shouldn't make demands of you but... what's friendship if you can't ask a mate to lend you a hand, or offer to help a mate out if you think they need it. That's of course if you can make the time – at that's the key, Sometimes you can afford to be completely selfless but there needs to be a healthy balance of doing stuff for you and being totally selfish.
Y: I suppose this is the eternal dilemma “Selfish Vs Selfless”… Its great to talk to you, I cannot remember the last occasion when I had enough time to have such a good chat, like when we were teenagers and would meet up with a friend and talk endlessly about everything and nothing.
Anyway, I must go now… will see you soon, surely the guys will organize some gathering at some point
G: For sure, and I hope to be there – honest. I guess we sometimes have to remind ourselves that we all have the same amount of time in our day, it's just knowing what to do with it that counts. Right then, back to work…
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