FEAR AND LOATHING IN LONDON
by Will Adams

Excerpts from a come-down diary.

You take your drugs, you feel alright. Lifestyle choices have left us all in the lurch at some point. Flicking back through a notebook that was used sometimes to distract the consciousness of your depression and anxiety is revealing. Writing is a therapeutic way through one’s come-down or hangover. In the cold harsh light of day it is babbling nonsense full of contradictions but at the time they were sincere outpourings.

This one was bad.

“I think the major problem I face at the moment is balance. This last weekends experience has reinforced my fear of going back to the addict’s life. It is so. Why is there no meaningful existence for me. Is it London perhaps? I am unhappy and I think I must be careful not to let it slip away from me. This is the trick the addiction is playing on me; allowing me to pull back from the brink each time without arriving there completely. Am I going mad? I certainly feel the stress of a madman. I am emotionally cold except when on drugs be it alcohol, coke or hash. This is what I hate, the self loathing that goes with being straight. I actually feel like I’m excluded from society – a society where what I adore and love is not reconcilable to what I know is right. Everything that motivates me is bad and selfish. This is the eternal imbalance that sits inside me”

“Am I scared of living? Perhaps – I am stubborn to admit my shortcomings; interpreted as a high opinion of myself by others perhaps – yet if only they knew how insecure I am. I fight off my insecurities by building up a vocabulary of language which I know masks this easily. What happened to honesty? I am honest to all but myself. Why?”

“I am impatient. I want everything to happen but I’m doing very little to achieve it. I fuck around. An endless cycle of fucking around and feeling like a phoney; relaying my own sense of self to others as an indictment of all that is bad and evil in this world. Yet I do like being kind to people, I enjoy the company of others. I did anyway. What does my memory allow me to do?”

“I really must stop taking drugs. But do I go cold turkey? The pills have to go first. But they bring so much joy. An escape from this nasty loneliness. Lonely, I am lonely.”

“Drugs. I have a problem with drugs. Started with drink – An abuser of alcohol me. And other substances. Can I help myself? I cannot depend on others.”

“Small steps need to be taken. Try and achieve goals each day and feel good about them. Listen to others advice.”

“Tuesday.
Get up and do some exercise.
Shower and shave.
Eat breakfast.
Iron shirt.
Leave work.
Draw up list.
Is my life now going to be overtaken by lists?”

“I justify my failings and mediocrity constantly. Why?”

“Am I really a fascist at heart?”

“Unhappiness.”

“Again I find myself resorting to the book. Jot down those fears and thoughts as therapy. Can’t sleep again. Open the book, find what you were about to write there already, from some years ago. Different scenery, but nothing much has changed. Miserable. Anxious. Worried. You’re the cunt with the long face, shuffling about.”

“The booze is no good for me. Resorting to typing in “alcoholism” into google, find a story, that’s me. Am I brave enough to admit it? Will I lose my friends – are they just my drinking partners anyway?”

“I’ve lost the joy. What used to make me joyous, motivated and happy – creativity, admiration for others and unbridled effort at impressing – certainly I’ve changed. I haven’t designed a building in years nor attempted a piece of art and it leaves me wondering what actually I have held onto?”

“I’m scared of making a decision on this drinking and following through with it – as I do get a lot of joy from it, but is it just a substitute? My drinking is the bane of my life. Constantly there for others “ Give Will a call, he’ll be keen”. I feel unhealthy and sick because of it, poor because you want to encourage everyone else, not meeting your goals because of it. Be assertive, be strong – no one will dislike you for it, and if they do they’re not worth it anyway. I wonder if I could smoke pot instead? At least it would calm me down. Also I’d probably find I would enjoy going out still. And get some regular exercise and sleep. Programme it in, it’s important to you, you’ll feel so much better, stronger, fitter, attractive in the mirror.”

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