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As dark towering clouds began to consume the clear desert sky, his leathery feet scuffed the dry red clay. His hand pushed off his knee to ease the struggle of climbing steep mountain terrain. Dust whistled into his long grey beard, and settled in the wrinkles of his face. Sweat trickled down his sun hardened skin, absorbed by the dirty cloth wrapped around his weary torso. Thunder cracked like tumbling river boulders, the hazy blue air suddenly illuminated by lightening crashing into the summit. Dotted far below around the rocky base huddled the Israelites, too fearful to face the fiery form of God. Earlier they had pleaded to Moses to serve as an intermediary between them and their divine creator. His task was to record on sandstone tablets a list of Gods commandments. Thankfully for Christianity he made it up Mount Sinai.

Moses' etchings, in conjunction with the writings of scholars, prophets and disciples collaborated to provide Christianity with a sacred scripture of ethics. Designed to guide followers through life avoiding sin and its harmful ways, and if successful earn a permanent place enjoying a divine heavenly existence in the afterlife. Obviously, this utopian ideal is incredibly appealing, to the extent that becoming a practicing Christian becomes plausible. However, having recently read the Bible it appears that following God's guidelines is easier said than done.

Many stories throughout these holy pages have often left me facing major ethical dilemmas. You would think that loving thy neighbour should be an easy task, especially since Jim, who lives at number 12, is kind enough to lend me his tennis rackets. But what if I was to catch him working on the Sabbath, as in accordance with Exodus 35:2 where it clearly states that he should be put to death. Is their a hit squad that specialises in such unethical acts, or am I supposed to murder him myself? And surely seeing to Jim's death would sentence me into an eternal fiery misery.

Perhaps praying for Jim to resist the temptation of Sabbath day work would save us both. Yet the further I read the more problems appear as evidenced in Exodus 21:7. This verse proposes the idea of selling daughters into slavery. Now, I am not quite at the position in my life of fathering a daughter (that I am aware of), but if I did how on earth would I go about selling her? The weekend car boot sale in Holloway, North London, could be an option. But having only a Mini, I’m afraid that the average sized teenage girl wouldn't fit in. As a back up plan I checked EBay for a slavery market, but to no avail. I could always sell her as a miscellaneous item, but I have no idea what her current market value would be.

My fears of selling my daughter to slavery were allayed somewhat once reading Leviticus 15:19-24. Printed in black and white, clear as day, it is stated that a man should not have sex with a woman if she is menstruating. Now, to honour the Bible I have taken it upon myself to ensure that I know which stage of the menstruation cycle a woman is at before proceeding with sex. Unfortunately, this has had dire consequences on my sex life. I have been slapped, kicked, and punched more times than I can remember, and I have been banned from most of the bars in town.

The further through the Bible I read the less likely it seemed that I can successfully negotiate a ticket to Heaven. Even if I was to live a completely perfect existence, following the strict guidelines portrayed in the Bible I could only approach the altar of God if I had perfect sight (Lev 21:20). Those with an eye defect aren't even allowed through the pearly gates. Fortunately, I have 20/20 vision, but a great deal of my family and friends wear optical lenses. Spending eternity in the clouds without my mum, and my mate Stu, completely devalues the place.

It is doubtful whether Moses and the Prophets were fully aware of what ramifications would unfold from their writings. I believe they were genuinely trying to make the world a better place, and hopefully guide the maximum of followers to a great afterlife party. But spare a thought for us poor mortals as we are left trying to interpret what's best for us and our neighbours. Maybe we would all have been better off if Moses hadn't made it up that mountain after all.